So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
