I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
