Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My balls are so social today.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
