I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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