I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
