God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
