barbara walters just said penis...
there was a trapeze. enough said
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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