Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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