Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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