Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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