That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
