areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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