she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
