Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize