Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We left the knife in your bed.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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