i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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