dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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