I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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