you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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