He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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