I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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