I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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