Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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