Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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