I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
