Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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