I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
