in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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