remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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