Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
