Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He felt like a one man threesome
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
