good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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