I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
