I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
