Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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