Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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