I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
