In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
