At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
