All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My cat gives me a boner
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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