I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
