My friends, they love my intelligence
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
