Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
