i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
