Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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