WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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