I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize