Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
