I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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