I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
