My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
