i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
