Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's get the cat blown out
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
