Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
