girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
