I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
