we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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